By the Time I Wake Up
by deludedfreak
Summary: AU RS Sora's only there so Riku's not alone. Or so he thinks. You say that I hurt you in a voice like a prayer... Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there. SECOND PART UP GO READ NOW PEOPLE: Riku's just a very good liar. Even with himself.
1. Sora

**By the Time I Wake Up**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

**A/N:** I'm a little nervous about posting this because it's practically my first KH fic... Anyway, this little baby was inspired by listening to the song "It's Cool We Can Still Be Friends" by Bright Eyes.

Their break-up was just as unconventional as the rest of their relationship was. No fighting. Just.

Riku had been the one to actually voice the idea. It was a quiet, cloudy day outside. The gray reflected Sora's mood. Dull. Empty. It didn't help that he was sick, either.

("…Do you think…?"

"Yeah. Yeah, let's- we need to break up.")

Riku's voice was flat, emotionless, and Sora's stuffed with a cold and lightheadedness.

They'd agreed to remain friends. They'd been friends long before any of this falling-in-and-out-of-love business had ever started. So, they were going to stay that way.

Since, at the time, they were at Sora's flat, Riku ended up collecting his stuff- the things he'd left after sleeping over and had promised to pick up eventually but never actually got around to. Sora had closed the door behind him, and he'd walked home just as it started to rain.

It was a week later when they saw each other again. It was in the supermarket; Riku was waiting in line and Sora was just coming in.

Two hello's and a how are you.

The end.

The next day, and Sora's phone rang. He picked it up, assuming it was Kairi. It wasn't.

("Wanna do something this weekend, like we used to when we were-?"

"Sure, but without-"

"Yeah. I know.")

Plans were made. Movie night at Riku's place.

When Sora got there, his beloved pillow and blankie tucked under his arm, Riku opened the door, letting him in. He leaned down to kiss his (best) friend on the cheek, but that was it. That was always it.

They started the movie. Apparently the critics had really liked it, but somewhere in the middle of it all, Sora had stopped paying attention, and Riku had fallen asleep on the couch.

Sora glanced over his shoulder at the boy on the loveseat behind him. Seated on the floor, there was not much distance between his face and Riku's. But he didn't do anything. They weren't in love anymore. They weren't going out. They were. Just.

Best friends.

He ended up spending the night.

But nothing happened.

He found himself waking up several times, thinking (_hoping_) he'd heard something, a floorboard creaking under a clumsy foot as Riku came to wake him up, to get him to come to bed with him like they'd used to.

And nothing ever happened.

Afterwards, Sora would attempt to call Riku, hoping to be able to talk to him like they'd done before. But Riku never picked up. It was always the machine, and he'd wait until the tone had beeped before he hung up.

His dreams were plagued with Riku. Mostly memories of happier, brighter times.

Like the time when it'd rained so hard that both of them had caught colds and spent about two days in bed with each other, trying to get better.

Like the time they'd gone to the beach for the first time since leaving home.

Like when the two of them had first gotten together after being friends for years.

Sometimes he found himself crying over those times, wishing they hadn't gone, that they'd continued on, and he and Riku were still happily together.

But it was Riku who'd fallen out of it. Sora had never stopped loving Riku. He had never ever stopped loving his best friend, but had given up on him because he was a coward and a wimp.

This fact beat him senseless everyday, filling him with self-loathing and sorrow. It only served to make him miss Riku more.

Riku called him up one day, asking for him to come out to dinner with him.

When Sora arrived at the restaurant, he wasn't surprised to see someone sitting at the table with his friend.

("This is Leon, Sora."

"Hi."

"Hello.")

Leon was quiet, tall, and handsome. Infinitely different from Sora, in most every way. No wonder Riku likes him so much, Sora thought bitterly, watching the couple from across the table.

When it was over, he didn't even spare Riku a glance before heading down the street. It was too late for the buses to be running, and Riku wouldn't offer him a ride, so he'd have to walk.

But that was fine. Walking gave him time to forget.

The night was cold and biting, enough to make him walk faster in the hopes that the momentum would either warm him up or get him home sooner.

Home was never this cold. Back on the islands, winter was just as sunny as the rest of the year, and although the temperature went down, you could still wear shorts and t-shirts. It was never so cold that with every step you thought you'd fall apart because you were so stiff. It was never so freezing that you felt like crying because you wished for warmth.

It was never so cold that you wished for Riku's strong embrace to keep you from freezing, because he was _always there_ back home, and he was _never there _back here.

When he eventually got back to his apartment, Sora turned on his heater, grabbed a pile of blankets, found that one shirt that Riku had never taken home, and fell asleep on his couch instead of his bed because his couch was where Riku used to take naps while he was doing homework.

He woke up smelling like Riku, the shirt tucked under his chin.

Sometimes he'd find himself staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Riku would stand behind him like a shadow or a ghost, ever present.

("You hurt me.")

("You fucking hurt me.")

Sora tried to hate Riku. He did.

("It's your fault.")

He really did.

("I hate you.")

But it wasn't really Riku's fault, and he didn't hate him.

Sora wasn't even sure if he was actually hurt. He felt a hollowness somewhere in his chest, but every time he'd lift his shirt to check, there was no wound. There was nothing there. Just.

Empty.

One night, the phone rang.

Sora picked it up, assuming it was No One. He'd been getting calls from him lately.

It was Riku.

("S-Sora?")

He sounded like he'd been crying.

("C-can you come over? I really- I _really _need some company right now…")

Sora was over there in a second, because no matter what Riku had or hadn't done, he was still his _best friend _and he needed to be there for him.

Riku answered the door in tears and pulled Sora inside. He told Sora how Leon had broken up with him, out of the blue. It was too unexpected, Riku said, and he didn't know where it'd come from.

Sora held up a bottle of whiskey. No words were necessary.

And then they got so fucking drunk that Sora's vision was a blur and he wasn't sure whether that was Riku's head on his lap or just a pillow, and he didn't know what time it was, and he didn't even know he'd fallen asleep until he got up, pushed Riku off of him, and headed straight for the bathroom to be sick.

He hadn't drunk so much since college.

He couldn't remember what exactly had happened last night, and was almost scared of that fact. What if they had done something? That would be bad. That would be _very _bad. They weren't in love anymore. They were broken up. They were hardly best friends anymore. They were. Just.

People. People who happened to know each other.

The phone rang, and Sora picked it up, because he'd picked up Riku's phone so many times before, and he hadn't even thought about it this time, so he wasn't expecting it to be anyone he didn't want it to be.

It was Leon.

("Riku?"

"No, this is Sora."

"Oh. Well, where's Riku?"

"Asleep.")

It was funny. Sora had never hated Leon. He had never attempted to blame the older man for stealing Riku, because he hadn't. Stolen Riku. Riku had just left of his own accord.

("…How's he taking it?"

"Well, the two of us passed out drunk last night, if that's what you meant."

"Oh. Ha. Ha.")

When Leon started laughing, that was when Sora got freaked out. He asked why.

("Why are you laughing? Why would you give up on someone as perfect as Riku? Why would you break him so badly? Leon, how could you _do _that?")

Leon stopped laughing only to start up again.

("I'm not the one who broke him in the first place, Sora. You of all people should know this."

"Huh?")

Leon hung up.

Riku woke up. He was dazed and confused at first, but when he saw Sora, he seemed to wake up completely, and realization dawned in his face.

("What happened?"

"Nothing. We got drunk."

"Nothing else…?"

"No.")

Riku rolled over onto his back and threw an arm over his face. He looked so vulnerable, and Sora wanted nothing more than to put his arms around him and never let go. Because for all the times Riku acted like he was totally cool with everything, he really wasn't at times. He was just as fragile as everyone else, if not more.

And Sora found himself unable to contain himself, and he had to bite his lip to keep from screaming.

("Dammit, Riku.")

_I_

("Just- just _dammit_.")

_know_

("Sora? What?")

_you_

("Fuck, Riku!")

_don't_

("What the hell, Sora?"

_care_

("What's going on?")

_but_

("You jackass- how the _fuck _can you keep _doing_ this to me?! When we broke up- I resolved to _forget_ about you, about us, about how my heart seems to go absolutely effing crazy every time you're near- but-! You make it _so _hard! I _love _you! And you don't love me back- we broke _up _because of that, and, and...")

_I love you_

And Riku froze. And Sora froze.

And Sora, without anything else to say, picked up the remains of his dignity and left the apartment.

When he got home, he ripped holes in Riku's shirt. He peeled oranges, feeling his fingernails biting into the skins and soaking up the juices until his fingertips bled. He had pillow fights with the couch cushions. He stood under the spray of the shower head, fully clothed. He scrubbed at the mold between the tiles in his bathroom until his hands were red and raw.

He stared at himself in the mirror. He traced the scar that he'd left on his own chest. He knew now. It wasn't Riku's fault. It never had been. It was all his _own _fault. He'd dug his own grave. He'd hurt himself.

"It's cool, Sora. We can still be friends. We can be friends just like we used to. Nothing will have changed."

And he hadn't spoken up when Riku said that. He hadn't protested- he hadn't said what he really felt. He hadn't told Riku that _he didn't want to break up_. He didn't tell Riku that _he loved him, and he always would_. He didn't tell Riku that _he just could not go back to being just friends now that he knew what it was like to be so much more_.

He fell asleep on the floor after crying angry tears and feeling pissed at himself. He didn't deserve the bed. He didn't deserve the couch. He deserved the cold hard floor.

Sora dreamt that Riku came into his flat through the bathroom window. He dreamt that Riku found him on the floor. He dreamt that Riku put his hand to his face, so softly and gently that the dream Sora would have cried if he was awake. He dreamt that Riku smiled, kissed him slowly and sweetly right on the lips (and not on the cheek) and told him, "I love you too." He dreamt that Riku picked him up in his strong arms and carried him to the bed. He dreamt that Riku lay him down carefully, brushing his bangs from his forehead. He dreamt that Riku pulled the blankets up around him. He dreamt that Riku told him he'd be on the couch sleeping. He dreamt that Riku kissed him again, on the forehead this time.

And when Sora woke up, he found that he hadn't been dreaming at all.

**A/N: **I think I might have an obsession with using italics and parantheses.  
It's got a few mistakes and other choppy plot-points, and the characters are a bit OOC, but I think it works.  
I might make this a twoshot and write a chapter on Riku's POV, if I get inspired. Might.  
Review? ...please...?


	2. Riku

**By the Time I Wake Up**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters mentioned here (but Riku's ex girlfriend sort of belongs to my friend who will probably never end up reading this... ex is named Bertha).

**A/N: **My explanation:I got bored. It's shorter than the original, and written in a different style. Hope you enjoy, I guess?

(the oh-so special)PART TWO: Riku

Riku knew just how easy it was to convince oneself of a notion that wasn't true. He'd done it a billion times before. When his dad "accidentally" ran over his bike and missed his middle school graduation, he told himself he didn't care. When the first (and only) girlfriend he'd ever had dumped him after two whole hours of being together, he told himself that it just didn't bother him; she was a bit of a slut, and he liked guys better anyway. When his dog ran away from home, he told himself he was better off without the mutt.

Yes, he was good at lying to himself. Especially when Sora was around to make everything better. Sure, Kairi was good for comfort too, but she had a more sensitive side to her that he found too wimpy to tolerate, even if she was of the fairer sex. Sora, being a fellow male, understood that Riku didn't want to hug and cry and share nail polish gossip while simultaneously bashing their ex-significant-others.

Sora's method of comfort went along the lines of, "oh, that's bum, man, wanna spar?" and Riku forgot things easily once he consented.

However, after their breakup, things just sort of… Ended. But not really. If Riku wanted to put it into better terms (which he didn't, because part of the whole convincing-yourself process involved not thinking about anything at all that would remind him of what he was trying to convince himself wasn't true) he would have said that his relationship with Sora had gone off kilter, like it had taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque or fallen slightly off the rails somewhere along the way. And it wasn't just because they'd broken up.

Oh no, it had nothing to do with that.

Oh wait, it had _everything _to do with that.

Riku thought that maybe he was just bummed because he and Sora hadn't been spending enough time lately, after the breakup, and things had gotten awkward. So he couldn't very well go to Sora for comfort, for a nice three-A.M. duel or perhaps an easy, no-feelings-attached make-out session.

He told himself that's what he really needed. He may have been good at convincing himself, but other people… not so much.

That's why Kairi would sometimes call him up, asking if maybe, oh, I dunno, he wanted to talk about Sora and him breaking up. Riku would laugh nervously and change the subject, because hey, thinking about that would just get him emo and again and didn't you know that, Kairi?

So after the awkward grocery-store meeting, Riku decided he missed his best friend, and they'd decided things wouldn't be bitter between them, so why not, you know? He picked up the phone and invited Sora over to his house for a movie night.

He'd almost wanted to ask if Sora was still sick, like the day they'd broken up, to see if he was feeling better. But that seemed almost too concerned to him, and suddenly suave, graceful Riku couldn't even remember whether that was too boyfriend-y to be addressed to a (best) friend. So he ditched the idea and Sora showed up, dressed in the flannel pajamas he had bought several years before, pillow and blanket in tow.

Riku ended up falling asleep in the middle of the movie, a somewhat overacted drama-suspense film that the Times had given "TWO THUMBS UP" but really just seemed like it couldn't have won an Oscar in a million years because of its obvious celebrity plugs and predictable plot flow. But it hadn't been too boring. Riku was just tired.

Sora woke him up when the movie was over, telling him either to get up or he'd be sleeping in his bed that night, and at first Riku was confused and wondered why they wouldn't _both _be sleeping in the bed, or on the couch, or anywhere, as long as it was together, and then he remembered. He ignored that feeling of his heart plummeting into his gut and wrote it off as the dizziness that often accompanied sitting up too fast.

He fell into bed and slept like a hibernating bear, not waking up _once_. In the morning, he and Sora grabbed a quick coffee at a local café and parted ways.

Riku didn't speak to him for a while after that. Though, not because he didn't want to. It was because he'd gotten a new boyfriend.

Leon was tall, taciturn, and too damn good with his tongue to even be legal. Riku liked him enough not to make him a one night stand, and they began going places and getting to know each other.

Things were going good, up until Riku began comparing Leon with Sora.

Leon's favorite cheesy pop romance song was Bye Bye Bye by NSync. Sora liked Simple and Clean.

When they were kissing, Leon would pull away slightly to breathe before diving back in. Sora would have sighed through his nose heavily, pushing back almost feverishly.

Leon liked to read. Sora didn't.

Leon liked vegetables. Sora preferred fruits.

And so on.

Riku thought maybe it was time his best friend and boyfriend met. Maybe seeing the two side by side would shake the thought of comparisons and all that nonsense out of his head.

So he called up Sora again. (Sora had taken to answering the cell phone in a funny little gurgle, like hhhheeyyyuurghhhnnn? Riku thought he was sick again.)

The dinner was rather uneventful. Riku neglected to notice the silence that Sora was regarding the two of them with, thinking that the sickness was really bad and maybe he shouldn't have asked Sora to come out, because obviously he was feeling really crappy and that's why he wouldn't talk, because he wasn't feeling so good.

Riku would have offered to give Sora a ride back home, but Leon distracted him for a moment, and when he looked back, Sora was walking off down the sidewalk, too far away to call out to him or run to catch up.

They didn't see each other for a while after that. Riku began to feel bad. Sora was his friend, his _best _friend, they'd agreed that they were going to go back to normal, and the only two times they had actually hung out were lame and boring. He started to beat himself up over it, because he was fully ready to allow himself to be bothered by this but not the breakup (another part of the convincing process: focus on something trivial and smaller to get your mind even further away from that _other _thing).

He began to think about Sora a lot during that time. He talked to Leon about him a lot, pointing out things that Sora used to do, or something he and Sora had done once, or something that Sora had done once that he would never be able to forget, and Sora this and Sora that.

Leon broke up with him, leaving him stranded in a bar somewhere downtown. Riku somehow managed to get home, fighting back tears and stumbling around in the dark, blind with sadness.

He got back inside the apartment, and groped for the phone, dialing the only number he could think of in his time of need. Sora was Sora and they were best friends. Sora would know what to do. Sora always knew what to do, and that's what made him Sora.

Sora showed up with a bottle of whiskey and Riku pulled him right in without hesitation.

They got drunk, so drunk that Riku didn't really know what was going on, was only aware of their joined, high pitched beer laughter and the lurching, spinning room and the way Sora's body felt under his and how _good _and so _good _it was just to lie there, without doing anything, though he knew it would feel better if they _did _do something, but Sora was passed out, and Riku was too drunk to even aim right and then his memories stopped there.

Riku ended up having a really good dream about being back on the islands they had lived on when the two of them were younger, taking a boat over to the small play island and knocking down paopus and racing. They would dream of going places, going somewhere, just the two of them, and leaving on a small, hand-made raft held together by gum and spit that probably wouldn't have survived two days out at sea. But they'd still want to go.

They ended up leaving by plane. Riku couldn't remember _why _he and Sora had wanted to leave the islands like that. It wasn't just because of college, because the islands had a perfectly good one themselves. It wasn't because of anything really. They just wanted to go, and it had felt good for a while, to be on their own. They moved in together, got older, and moved away.

They fell in love and then out.

They stopped being friends.

And now here he was, lying on his couch in a sobered, hung-over haze. Sora was sitting in an old chair Riku had found a long time ago in a run-down furniture store, and he was staring at Riku with a funny look on his face.

Riku couldn't remember what had happened last night, so he asked if Sora by chance might know. Sora said they hadn't done anything, and Riku believed him, because Sora was by nature a very trustworthy and honest person. That's why people liked him.

But the fact that they _hadn't _done anything, not the fact that Leon had broken up with him, made Riku's chest hurt and his eyes close. He rolled over onto his back and covered his face and tried to ignore Sora standing there, watching him, and tried to ignore the way his heart beat faster and just tried to ignore everything, especially the raging headache pounding in his temples.

He still…

But Sora was suddenly yelling at him, and uttering those three words that had first made his heart flutter when he heard them years ago, ages ago.

Riku sat up a little bit, would have said something, but Sora just stared back for only two seconds before he left, running a hand through his crazy hair and breathing shakily. Riku would have run after him, but he suddenly felt the urge to throw up and ran to the bathroom to relieve himself.

He sat on his couch for a while, staring at the wall. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Sora loved Riku again. Or maybe he'd never stopped. Riku loved Sora. He hadn't stopped, ever, just stopped paying attention.

Before he went to Sora, he tracked Leon down. Leon just sort of stared at him for a moment before bluntly stating that there was no way in hell that he was taking Riku back. Riku waved his hands, telling him he knew, and said that he was there to thank him. Leon just looked at him, with quiet, knowing gray eyes, and nodded.

And then Riku went to see Sora.

He tried the front door, but no one answered. The doorman on the first floor wouldn't give him the key, so Riku went to the fire escape, up to the third floor window, and climbed in through the bathroom.

The apartment was a mess, and so much quieter than he'd ever remembered. He hadn't been here in a while, though, so maybe this was just how it had always been and he couldn't realize there was no difference.

Riku found Sora curled up on the hardwood floor, clutching a black, ripped piece of cloth that he realized was actually his old shirt he thought he'd lost. Sora's cheeks were stained and there were deep pockets below his eyes.

Slowly, very slowly, Riku got down on his knees, leaned forward, and kissed him. It felt good, even though Sora was asleep and not responding. It felt good. Smiling, he leaned down even further and told the sleeping child, "I love you too."

**A/N: **There's probably some mistakes in the plotline, a few typos, and some retarded statements in there, but I just finished it about an hour ago and I'm tired and not willing to read it over. I really like the beginning though, mainly because when I start something, the beginning is just full of natural awesome. And then everything kind of just gets worse. (Albuquerque thing taken from the Looney Toons. Ha.)

Something I noticed while writing this was that Riku and Sora switched characters. Like, Riku acted the way someone would expect Sora would, and Sora acted the way you'd think Riku would. I'm not too happy about that, but it's just kinda... What can you do?

Haha, Riku's so stupid in this though... xP

Review, please?


End file.
